Sleepless nights ... at home

Writing from our living room... a strange thing. I never thought I would own a home. The idea, the endless stretches of suburbia, the wasteland I used to call it, it seemed so wrong. I know there must be many thousands of people out there who share this sentiment. I resisted (ask Jessica, I was a stubborn ass) the idea of putting so much of my life's efforts into one place, one structure. But in the end I acquiesced... Why? Did I just sell out? I don't believe I did. This little place is our house. Yes it is the focal point of our worldly wealth for some time to come. We should expect that much of our income and energy will go into a place, a thing and to no grander purpose than making a home.

But a home is what we are making. The house isn't perfect. It isn't any where near it, which is exactly what we wanted. We wanted a place with just enough tilt, enough lean. We aren't folks to search out a finished product and throw money on the table. Everything I do or have I need to personalize and make it something that I value or I inevitably resent that thing. This explains why so much of my stuff (i.e. our little red truck) never really works how it ought to. But that makes me love that truck. When hands as brutish and lacking in attention as mine jump in the middle of a project, it may get done but it will surely have flaws.

So we have built our little off kilter chicken coop. We have garden plans, endless fixer up projects and cracks to seal. It is a house that is great to live in. I love it but why am I OK with loving it when I used to hate the concept of suburban living? Well here is the reality, we are not in suburbia. We are a five minute bike from Duke Gardens and DPAC. We have grocery stores and farmers markets right around the corner. All we need to do is sit on our front porch and our neighbors stop by to chat. This is not the suburbia that scared me. The one where people pull into garages so they can avoid ever making eye contact with their neighbors. The Home Owner's associations that fine you if your grass grows too long or you put the wrong style of brick out in the garden. Those are the things that terrified me, that I loath.... So now, I have been dramatic and stated the big picture reasons behind my finally deciding to own a home.

But all of that is just silliness. The reality is, yes I sold out. I am no longer out planning to save starving children in Africa. I will not be doing the Peace Corps anytime soon. Those aren't glib statements... those were my plans. But then I got married and I realized that I would not be happy with that solitary monastic devotion to others. I want my family. I want my wife in it and I want a home...